Torture is FUN!: Camping With MKR
by Drgon Princess
Summary: In which I torture the Magic Knights with a week of camping...
1. Prolouge: Invitation

Torture is FUN!: Camping with MKR

By Dragon Princess

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Hiya! Don't own anything, first MKR fic, be nice, etc. This is actually based on a real camping trip, yes, such horror does exist. Except in real life, it wasn't _quite _as bad… Please review (and you _better _not flame, or else…)

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Prologue//INVITATION

"WHAT?!?" yelled Umi and Fuu at the same time. 3-way calling was not without its creepiness.

            "Your parents are taking you _where_?" asked Fuu.

            "And they're taking you away from us _why_?" asked/ yelled Umi. 

            "I'm going camping!" sang Hikaru. "Me, Mom, Dad, Hikari, and- oh, did I tell you?! Hikari did the cutest thing today!" When Hikaru got to talking about her dog, it was best not to pay too close (meaning any) attention. Hikari did the cutest thing every day.

            On her end of the phone, Fuu sighed. This was just great. School had just let out, and instead of spending more time together, Hikaru would be gone for Mokona knows how long! Umi was also a little upset. For Umi, "a little upset" means throwing things at the maid. Hikaru didn't even seem to care that she'd be leaving her friends! Umi was about to throw her fencing foil at the poor maid, but Hikaru spoke up again.

            "Anyway, my whole family and I are going on this trip, and I'm allowed to bring two people with me!" said Hikaru. What did you expect? This isn't a friendship angst story. "First, we go on a car trip for a day, then we meet at the place and go rafting to our campsite, then, we stay there and do some fun activities with the camping people, and then we hike back! Doesn't that sound like fun?! The trip takes a week! Won't it be fun to not take a shower for a week?!" 

            "Uh, yeah, fun…" murmured Umi, in shock. Seven whole days without a shower? Not fun!

            "Why… yes, Miss Hikaru, fun," Fuu said, with a strained voice. Fuu wasn't afraid of not showering, but she wasn't sure she could survive "fun activities with the camping people". 

            "Then guess what?!" Hikaru said, practically spilling over with joy. "You guys are going to be the two people I'm taking! Please, come with me!" Although Umi and Fuu had figured out that they were invited three paragraphs ago, neither could resist Hikaru's innocent tone. She was like a little puppy! Then, Umi remembered that puppies grow up into dogs and then become all that Hikaru talks about.

            "How about bringing Eagle and Lantis?" Umi pleaded.

            "Yeah!" added Fuu. "Sir Lantis and Mister Eagle haven't spent any time with you recently. They'd simply love to go!"

            "Boys don't mind not showering," said Umi, "and those two could sleep out under the stars with you. It would be _so _romantic…"

            "No way!" said Hikaru. "I don't like them like _that_! Besides, any time I get the two of them in the same room, they start arguing over whose Hikaru shrine is bigger… But you two are my best friends! You have to go!" Hikaru made her puppy dog eyes, not realizing that it doesn't do any good to make puppy dog eyes over the phone.

            "Oh, alright," said Fuu.

            "Whatever," said Umi.

            "Great!" Hikaru replied. "I'll see you at my house on Saturday!" She hung up.

            "No showers?" Umi whimpered.

            "Fun activities," Fuu replied.


	2. Day 1: Road Trip

Torture is FUN!: Camping with MKR

By Dragon Princess

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Hello again (if you thought you were rid of me, tough luck!!!) Thank you to the people who reviewed. I still don't own anything except the MKR manga series (copies of the books, NOT the legal rights to the books), a copy of dot-Hack Part 1, and the will to write. Now onto Chapter 2!!! 

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Day 1//ROAD TRIP

            "Hey, look!" Hikaru said from the front seat of the car. "World's Largest Rock! Can we stop?" So far on their road trip, they had stopped at 17 different nature views and highway attractions, the latter which included Bug Zoo and Eddie the Human Hamster. Every time Hikaru saw some new highway stop, she had her parents pull over and they all went to see it. And bought souvenirs. So far, Umi had a T-Shirt that said "Tammy's Freak Show", a visor saying "Come to the Bug Zoo", and several cheap bead necklaces. Fuu had gotten a T-Shirt with "Giant Plushie" on it and a hideous paperweight shaped like Eddie the Human Hamster. Neither Umi nor Fuu had actually wanted any of these things. Hikaru had bought them all of the useless crap.

            "Rock?" said Fuu. "That sounds quite dull. Do we really need to see it?"

            "Fuu," Hikaru said, "We've been to every highway stop so far! Please, I wanna see the rock!" Umi sat in the back, pretending to be asleep. She did not want to see the rock. She wanted out. 

            Her plan so far was to wait until everyone left, then run away from the car and hitchhike back to Tokyo. It was a very half-baked plan, but Umi did not care. At this point, Umi had forgotten all that she and her friends had been through together, all the corny friendship lectures, all the murders… all Umi wanted to do was to escape the rock, the road trip, and the week of not showering. 

            "Well, I guess Umi's asleep!" said Hikaru.

            "Ya think?" muttered Fuu under her breath. 

            "Let's drag her in with us!" suggested Hikaru. Seeing the huge sweatdrops on everyone else's (including the "sleeping" Umi) heads, she quickly added, "or we could leave her here!" The group decided on the latter option.

            When everyone else had left, Umi cackled evilly. She opened up the car door and prepared to run for freedom… until she saw an ugly, 50-year-old truck driver staring at her. His nametag read "Joe Bob". Umi got back in the car and got back out. Joe Bob was still staring at her. 

            "Aaaaah!" yelled Umi to herself. "Why's he looking at me! I'm way too young for him! Help! O-okay, Umi, stay calm. Road Safety Rule Number 1: Barrier! Create a barrier between him and me! That's easy!" She got back in the car and shut the door. "Wait, Road Safety Rule Number 2: Escape Route! Always have an escape route handy!" She opened the door again. 

            "Ack! Barrier!" She closed the door. "No! My Escape Route!" She opened the door. "Barrier!" Close. "Escape Route!" Open. The truck driver had already gone in to see the rock, and Umi didn't even notice.

            Inside the highway stop, Fuu and Hikaru stood in line, waiting to see the rock. The line was very long, almost like Disney World. However, neon signs pointed to the gift shop.

            Hikaru's parents were busy talking to random people, including (you guessed it) Joe Bob the truck driver. 

            "I have this weird condition where sometimes I just stare out into space," said Joe Bob. "Sometimes people think I'm staring at _them_, and they have the weirdest reactions! Why, this one girl…" Meanwhile, everyone at the parking lot had forgotten about the rock, and were now staring at the blue-haired girl who was now opening and closing a car door like her life depended on it. 

            Hikaru, her parents, her dog, and Fuu soon came back outside to find Umi inches away from a nervous breakdown.

            "The rock didn't rock at all!" said Hikaru. Nobody laughed at the stupid pun.

            "The owner's wife finally made him get rid of it," said Fuu. "But I guess he could still sell us some souvenirs (Hikaru held up the new bag of junk). Umi, you didn't miss much." Umi said nothing, and Fuu could have sworn she saw Umi shaking with fear. 

            An hour later, Umi was almost back to normal, well, as normal as Umi ever was, anyway. Everyone in the car was bored out of their wits, except, of course, the ever happy Hikaru.

            "I miss my friends from Cephiro," she said, "But I know they're having fun!" In Cephiro, Lantis and Eagle were fighting tooth and claw over a sock that Hikaru had worn once, to add it to one of their Hikaru shrines. "Let's play a CAR GAME!!!" Hikaru yelled, blissfully unaware that there were people fighting over her sock.

            "Oh, fine," said Hikaru's mom. "I spy, with my little eye, something blue."

            "I know!" said Hikaru's dad. "Umi's 'Tammy's Freak Show' shirt!"

            "Right. Umi, Fuu, why don't you two play?" Hikaru's mom asked.

            "I'm reading," replied Fuu, and she pulled out The Dictionary of Complicated Words, Volume 342, and she started to read. 

            "I'm reading over her shoulder," said Umi. She wasn't really reading over Fuu's shoulder. She just needed an excuse to get out of "I Spy".

            "Ooh, my turn!" said Hikaru's dad. "Eye, I mean I, oh, what the hell, it's something black."

            "Darkness?" guessed Hikaru's mom. 

            "No!" said Hikaru's dad. "Now that there are no more roadside attractions, do you think I'd come up with something that could be guessed on the first try? HA!"

            "I don't see the connection between this game and road stops," said Umi, "but is the black thing the heart of whoever's making me go on this trip?"

            "No!" said Hikaru's dad. "Especially because I'M who's making you go on this trip!"  

            "I know!" said Hikaru. "Is it Hikari's nose?"

            "Nooooooooooooo!" Hikaru's dad yelled in defeat. "Dammit, I've been defeated, I mean, your turn, sweetie." Hikaru's dad got way too excitable whenever Hikaru's brothers were at kendo camp and he was the only man of the house. 

            "I spy," began Hikaru, "with my huge anime-style eye," (she looked around in the car to find something) "something green!"

            "I know!" piped up Umi. "It's Fuu!"

            And it was. Fuu was turning a lovely shade of carsick green. 

            "I… just remembered," Fuu gasped, "I… always have… gotten sick… when… I read… in the car… someone, please, roll down a window…"

            As Fuu got sick, Umi whined, and Hikaru bubbled over with happiness, the three of them got closer to the camping trip. Finally, they got to the hotel where they would stay the night. Their trip begins the next day, but, as I'm a nice author, they get one more night in civilization. Who knows, it might be their last…


	3. Day 2: Rafting

Torture is FUN!: Camping with MKR

By Dragon Princess

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Something amusing happened last time I read my reviews. One reviewer said that I was going on her favorite author list! That's pretty impressive, eh? (I don't keep a favorite authors list because I'm too lazy…) The problem was that I was doing my nails at the time, and got a small blue streak in my hair from the nail polish when I did. L But you know what? Even if I killed my hair with nail polish, I still like reviews anyway! KEEP REVIEWING PLEASE!!! Oh, and the song that Umi sings is called "Simple and Clean" and it's by Utada Hikaru (I have no idea if I spelled that right). The English version was in the game Kingdom Hearts (which is a very fun game!). It's an awesome song, go check it out!  

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Day 2//RAFTING

            Fuu stared sadly at the hotel room, wishing she could stay there instead of going camping. However, right then she wasn't going anywhere. Along with Hikaru's parents, who were in the next room over, she was waiting for Hikaru and Umi. 

            She knew where they were, however. Hikaru had slept in the car. The hotel didn't allow pets, so Hikari had to stay in the car. Hikaru chose to stay with her dog. "Plus," she had said, "I need to get really good at not showering, so I should practice!" Hikaru didn't realize that people who are "really good at not showering" don't have any friends. 

            "_Don't get me wrong, I looooooove you!_" sang a voice, specifically a squeaky voice, a high-pitched voice, possibly the worst singing voice in the world. It was no mystery where Umi was, either. She had spent the last hour in the shower, claiming that she needed to say goodbye to being clean. And she was singing, too. Loudly.  

            "Umi, hurry up!" yelled Fuu, holding her ears. 

            "_Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feeeeeeeel, tonight, and it's haaaaaard, to let it go!_" Umi warbled. "Oh, shower, it's so hard to let YOU go!" Sobbing noises were heard. It was very embarrassing when Umi sang so loudly and badly that she could be heard from the parking lot. _What a shame,_ thought Fuu. _That song is so pretty when not sung by HER. _

            Right on schedule, the group arrived at the camping place. Or, they would have, if Umi hadn't convinced Fuu to hide with her in the bathroom towel closet. 

"I know you're in there!" yelled Hikaru, wielding a toilet plunger and apparently screaming at the 'porcelain throne'. "It's just like you, Umi, hiding in the plumbing! OUT OF THE TOILET!"

"What's wrong with her?" said Umi from the top shelf in the towel closet.

            "She must think we're in the toilet," said Fuu. "Now I know how a washcloth feels!"

"Hah!" said Hikaru. "I know you're throwing your voice, Fuu! You're not in the closet! You're in the plumbing!" She tried to plunge her two friends out of the toilet, although they simply weren't in there.

            "QUIET, FUU!" yelled Umi. "YOU ALMOST GAVE US AWAY!"

By now, Hikaru was in a rare bad mood. "So you want to resist me?! Let's see how defiant you are when I send down some 'Toilet Duck™'! Now where's that Toilet Duck™?" She thought for a while. "Oh Yeah! The closet!" She opened up the closet. "Hmmm. Umi, Fuu, hand towels, and bath towels. No Toilet Duck™. Where could it be?" She pondered for a second. "HEY! Wait a sec! Umi, Fuu, get your sorry butts over here! We're going camping!"

 Due to some unexplained miracle, or, more likely, my wanting to move the plot along, all three Magic Knights, plus two parents and one dog, got to the camping place. Alive. In one piece. Without injury. It was a beautiful day, a clear day. Fish jumped up in the big beautiful blue river. Smiling tourists in big orange rafts floated lazily by. The laughter of children filed the air. It was a perfect place for Hikaru, but for Fuu and Umi, it was just plain creepy. 

"You three!" yelled a random camping guide. "Go over to the warehouse for training!" Hikaru led the way, Umi followed, and Fuu hurried along behind, wondering what a warehouse was doing in a camping place. Another guide was there at the warehouse. She had a clipboard in hand. 

"Hon, are you and your friends able to work inhumane hours?" she asked. Not knowing what 'inhumane' means, Hikaru nodded "yes". 

"Uh, Hikaru…" Umi said, but she was cut off by the guide.

"Can you lift heavy stuff?" the guide asked.

"Uh-huh!" replied Hikaru.

"Miss Hikaru, are you sure about this?" Fuu asked.

The guide cackled evilly. "Why then," she said, " you three will be put on a very special trip." 

"Huh?" asked Umi. "Aren't we going camping in the dirt and grime with Hikaru's family?" 

"No, no," the freaky lady replied. "You'll see them at the end of your trip."

"Hey!" replied Hikaru. "I wanna be with Hikari and Mommy and Daddy! Whoa, losing the happy!" Hikaru forced a smile, something she rarely needs to do. "Well, I guess I can have fun camping with my friends."

"We're going rafting first," said the guide. "Call me Guide, because that's what I am."

"I'm…" Hikaru began.

"Do I look like I care?" asked Guide. "Go build the raft!" All three girls had identical expressions of shock on their faces. "You thought this trip would be fun?" asked Guide. The shocked girls all nodded. "Time for a reality check!" Guide yelled, and pulled a lever that, for the sake of the plot, was within her reach. Instantly, the backdrop of the happy river lifted, and the happy green grass dried up. The laughter of children, which was a recording all along, stopped. The new place was downright scary, once all of the happiness was gone. Screams of pain were heard. Rafts floated by, but they were leaking and made of rotting logs. The tourists on them were trying to jump out of the rafts to end their own lives, but the guides held them onto the sinking rafts. The river even looked dark and evil, threatening to swallow up everything it touched. 

"I… I think this time it's real," said Fuu. 

"Wow!" said Hikaru. "Doesn't this trip look fun?" Hikaru was more happy than any of the others. Actually, she was more happy than the others put together.

"No," whined Umi. "Why am I doing this?" She didn't get an answer.

Somehow, I still don't know how, the three girls were able to build their raft. Umi told Fuu and Hikaru what to do. Hikaru got supplies, and although half of the things she brought back were totally useless, the other half could be worked with. Fuu, the future engineer, put the supplies together into something that sort of looked like a raft and sort of didn't. Hikaru brought moss as a supply. Umi whined about Hikaru bringing moss. Fuu thanked Hikaru warmly, but threw the moss away when her redheaded friend wasn't looking. And so it went, until…

"Yay! It's finally done!" said Hikaru, doing the Happy Dance. 

"What should we name it?" asked Umi. 

"How about…" Fu began.

"We should name it Raft," said Guide. "Because that's what it is."

"Well, that's not fair, Miss Guide!" said Fuu.

"Don't call me Miss Guide!" said Guide. "I won't misguide you, we'll have fun! I'm taking the raft! You can swim behind! It's fun to work and have someone else take away the rewards!" She mumbled something about everyone calling her "MisGuided" back in Junior High ("I'm NOT misguided, dammit!"), and then she took the raft, leaving the Magic Knights to swim after her.

"This is FUN!" said Hikaru as another guide pushed her in from behind. 

Something was wrong with this camping trip. 


	4. Day 3: Camping

Torture is FUN!: Camping with MKR

By Dragon Princess

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Hello again. I still don't own anything. I try to post weekly, but last Sunday I couldn't get on to the site. Anyway, I said in the prologue that the story was based on a real camping trip, but did you know that I started this while on said camping trip? It was such a bad, awful trip *cries at the memory*. I'm so glad I'm back in civilization where they have showers and the internet! Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to a friend of mine (can't give out her name) who is the Queen of the Deer Hunting Game at the arcade.

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Day 3//CAMPING

            _"Where are we?"_

_            "I don't know. The last thing I remember is how they led her away with those friends of hers. That's all."_

_            "We will see her again… right?"_

_            "I don't know. But she'll be able to figure out what this place is really like… I hope…" _

            Hikaru woke up on the ground, in the wilderness. Umi and Fuu were still asleep. The little thicket by the river seemed to be enchanted. A deer was grazing on a patch of flowers nearby. Hikaru reached out her hand to pet it. It was the softest thing she had ever felt.

            BANG

            The deer went sickeningly limp and flopped to the ground, dead. Blood spilled onto Hikaru's hiking boots. Hikaru saw Guide, holding a smoking pistol. 

            "Heheheh," Guide chuckled. "Kid, grab him an' drag him to the cooking fire. We're having deer for breakfast!" 

            In about an hour, the group was busy hiking to the campsite. 

            "Breakfast was so gamy today," Umi complained. "Who would eat deer for breakfast? Then again, who would name a raft 'Raft'?" 

            "Shut up and hike!" barked Guide.

            "Fun… must have fun," panted Hikaru. She was getting tired from the hike, but it seemed like she was forcing herself to have a good time. Guide led Hikaru and the others to the end of the trail. She parted some vines, and then… 

            "Wow!" said Hikaru. "A camping village!"

            "More people camping?" Umi asked. "Why do people WANT to do this whole camping thing! Tell me! It would be easier just to wallow in the mud!"

            "I do believe that we'll have to build our own house," said Fuu. 

            "Great!" yelled Umi. "Just great!"

            "We won't have to make our own house," said Guide. 

            "Really?" asked Umi. "Thank you!" 

            "Really!" replied Guide. "I have a nice house with satellite TV, and you guys get to sleep outside! You can't have a house!"

            "Oh."

            "Now, the first thing you'll do is work smashing rocks. We'll sell the gravel, I mean, this is a new, fun way to work out!" 

            At the camping village, there were many little huts. Also, there was a whole area outside that campers slept in. In the center of it all was a huge house, which belonged to Guide. 

            "This is the Homemade Arts and Crafts For Only $4.99 Plus Tax Hut," said Guide, giving the Magic Knights a tour of the place. "And this is the 'Farm-Raised Beef Tent (a mooing sound was heard), and the Souvenir Hut, and aha! Here's the Gravel Hut."

            "Is this some kind of child slave labor work camp?"  asked Umi. 

            "NO!" yelled Guide. "We're here to have fun!" But she gave an angry look to Umi.

            "You.. you're making people kill those poor cows in the Farm-Raised Beef Tent, aren't you?!" yelled Hikaru.

            "Killing poor, defenseless animals builds character!" said Guide. "Little girl, you're supposed to be having fun!" A scared Hikaru only whimpered. "Now go and smash rocks in the gravel tent!"

            I would write about the Magic Knights smashing rocks, but it would be as interesting as watching someone brush their teeth. Here's the short version:

SMASH BANG "OW!" SMASH CRUSH "OW!" 

            The "**OW**!" was Fuu accidentally hitting herself with the hammer, instead of hitting the rock.

            During their long day of hitting rocks with hammers, the three friends saw lots of other campers. Whenever Hikaru, or sometimes Fuu, tried to make friends with them, they only said "Working is great!" or "I love this trip!" or "I hope I never go home!" It seemed like all of them had spent "just a little" (read: waaaaaaaaay too much) time at this place. 

            After rock smashing, Hikaru and Fuu found Umi remodeling the piece of ground Guide had given them to sleep on. It now had the same design as her room. Yep, that's right, Umi had finally snapped, and now thought she was still at home. 

            "I need to fill up my hot tub!" Umi said. She grabbed all three canteens, and dumped them onto a piece of dirt. "Ooh, dot Hack is on! Come on, let's watch TV!" Umi sat in front of a large rock, and pushed another rock like it was a TV remote. She sang along (badly) with the dot Hack theme song as if the show was really on. She started at the TV rock and would not move for another half hour.  "Wow, that was a great episode!" she finally said. "They all went on a really sucky camping trip that was really a child slave labor camp! Now let's play a video game!" Umi was really off the deep end. Strange what going two days without a hair dryer does to some people. Umi picked up another rock, I mean, PlayStation2 controller, and started to play.

            "Miss Umi, we're camping!" Fuu yelled. "Not watching TV! Not playing video games! Camping! So act normal, like us! Hikaru's trying so hard to have a good time! Don't ruin everything with your problems!" Umi and Hikaru stared at Fuu. She never got _THAT_ out of character unless she was really angry.

            Umi looked puzzled. "So does that mean you DON'T want to play video games? Ah, suit yourself," she said, and went back to playing video games with a rock. 

            That night, after they had brushed their teeth (Umi made them go "down the hall" to her "bathroom" and then yelled at them when they didn't spit into the sink) and gotten into "bed" (again, Umi made them go to her "bed"), Umi murmured, "You know, I don't think those campers on TV were really happy. Every other happy thing was fake." Then Umi closed her eyes and went to sleep. 

            From the bushes, where Guide was watching the misery, a very annoyed Guide said, "That girl knows too much. Something must be done…"


End file.
